The pain of having no answers

We've been for an hour to soft play and now my little lady is fast asleep resting her head against me.

Is that normal? Should she be so tired after a short trip out?

Sometimes I think it's definitely not normal but other times I wonder if I'm expecting too much? But then I remember that where we live children can go to school the term before their fourth birthday - meaning L could technically go in September (but won't be) - so they must expect them to be able to cope with 5 full days at school.

In my heart I know it's not normal, that she should be able to cope with more. But then it's not surprising she gets so tired on the little she eats. And not surprising that life often becomes too much for her to cope with - we all know as adults that it's impossible to function normally on an empty stomach. If you don't take in enough fuel then you can't expect your body to keep running on empty, it's as simple as that.

But you do question and you do wonder and you start to doubt yourself. Especially when you're in a 'better spell'. Am I imagining this? Is this really happening? Am I just overreacting? You even start questioning your parenting - have I done something wrong to make this happen? Are we that bad at this parenting stuff that our gentle parenting approaches are causing problems?

And it's tough when you start questioning your whole belief system and doubting who YOU are as a person, but you're desperate, desperate for answers and hope and for things to change and get better so you'll explore anything in case it might just fix things.

And then the good times end and the bad ones sweep in and then the guilt starts. Guilt that you ever doubted the reality of this, guilt that you expected more, guilt that sometimes you feel angry inside wondering if she's just 'being naughty'. And anger - that you doubted yourself and your husband or that other people made you feel like you're making it all up.

But it's good to have others to ground you - people around you that can see the difference too and can reassure you that you're not going crazy!

Because sometimes having no answers makes you feel that way.