One huge step forward

Sometimes something comes out of nowhere and makes you think wow.

My little girl did this yesterday.

Since last September we've had a lot of problems with her separation anxiety and getting her to playgroup. Coupled with her bowel problems and eating issues it was decided with our paediatrician to take her out just before Christmas 2012. It had gotten so bad that she didn't even want to leave the house to go for a walk, so afraid that I was going to take her there. It broke my heart seeing her like this and we tried everything. I just wanted to see her happy and enjoying herself, wanting to go. And I know a lot of children to through 'phases' and don't want to go to nursery/playgroup/school etc but in my heart I knew it was more than just a phase.

But of course as her 5th birthday fast approaches in about 18 months time and the legal requirement for her to be in full time education I've been worrying about this more and more lately. Here is Wales children to go to school (what I think is) ridiculously early - from the term before their 4th birthday - so technically L would be going this September! I think I've known in my heart for a long time that neither would she be ready or would I want to send her that early - as long as she goes by the age of 5  as is required by law. I don't believe in pushing children - besides, they're only young for such a short amount of time. But I did want her to be settled at playgroup first and slowly build up to 5 full days a week so that it won't be a big shock when the time comes.

And then the paediatrician decided he wanted to do an ASD assessment for which she needs to be observed in a nursery/playgroup setting. So I had a meeting with the lady who runs our local playgroup and she was so understanding and I know they'll be gentle with L and look after her and not push her with her 'issues'. We agreed that I would bring L in for just half an hour and stay with her and when this went well we decided to do it again. This we did, yesterday, and I could never have imagined it would go so well!

In the few days leading up to Friday L's bowels were playing up again, she didn't go for 4 days and this, of course as it always does, made her eat even less, become exhausted and extremely tepremntal. Fortunately she managed to go the night before - otherwise she probably couldn't have gone in or indeed have wanted to.

Again, she was a bit dubious walking there (and she almost lost it when she realised she'd left Minnie Mouse at home!) and I had to carry her in and give her lots of reassurance. She stayed close to me  and wanted mummy to play with the toys with her but I tried to gently encourage her to play with things as I watched on and go to get toys herself. As the session progressed she got a little braver and played alongside the other children. She even joined in at snack time (albeit just a couple of crisps and a cracker), which is great for her and got so excited when they went outside! Time was getting on and I needed to get home to feed C, but didn't want to discourage her whilst she was doing so well. So I took the opportunity and asked her if she'd like to stay on her own for 30 minutes and told her I'd be back to pick her up afterwards. And...SHE DID IT!

I cannot express how PROUD of her I am. Only those close to us will understand what a huge thing this is for us...what amazing progress this is! I still feel all warm inside when I think of how well she coped and for the first time in a long time I said to my husband...I think she'll be ok with this.

I know there'll be set backs and we're by no means over this hurdle yet but one step at a time and this was so unexpected and it was just so amazing to see her happy and to hear her speak fondly of her morning there, instead of freezing up with fear and anxiety. The more I look back the more I wonder just how much of the anxiety was caused by her bowel problems being so bad last year? Of course you don't want to go away from home when you feel poorly - you just want your mummy! But nurses and doctors just kept pushing and then there was that awful health visitor who told us she was playing us. Thankfully I know my daughter better than any of them and didn't let her persuade me with such utter rubbish. But that's not to say that it didn't shake me or make me question myself.

Of course I know there is a long way to go yet - when we got home she let go and was so exhausted. She slept for 2 hours this afternoon and has been so tired she's barely eaten since yesterday lunchtime, not to mention having one of her biggest meltdowns to date. All these things need to be figured out - first and foremost her calorie intake but...

SHE DID IT!